Now, before I head off on this little jaunt, let's make one important distinction. Nice Guys are not men possessing the quality of niceness. They are males, but not men, as they are stuck in a perma-adolescence where "I want" is conflated with "I should have". Some are straight and some are gay - this is not a phenomena that can be attributed to nebulous Male Privilege, but solely to immature reasoning, entitlement, and self-obsession that borders on the myopic. Men who possess the quality of niceness are not particularly rare, though to hear a Nice Guy spouting off, niceness in a male is almost as rare as teeth are in hens.
The second important distinction is what does one mean by the quality of Nice? What is Nice? According to the dictionary, nice is: pleasing; agreeable; delightful or amiably pleasant; kind:. Therefore, a man who possesses the quality of niceness is of a relaxed disposition, pleasant and helpful, not rude, not sarcastic or unkind, charitable, and in general, a real joy to be around. He does for the sake of joy in others and in himself, without thought of tangible reward. A man who is nice is the man you call on Moving Day and the man you call when you are having a party. He likely has a wide circle of friends, and appreciates that fact. The lack of tangible reward is what trips up Nice Guys. The Nice Guy keeps a tally sheet, and seems to think everyone else does too. His "favors" are not acts of charity between friends, but more like the kind of "favors" you expect in Mafia movies. He is keeping count, and he is racking up your debt. This is a great source of irritation and frustration to him, because usually the other person doesn't even realize they have a debt. You bought pizza and beer on Moving Day, right? And when he moves, you're planning on helping him, right? Score settled on your end. On his end, he is furious that you have accepted an offer of a dinner date from a man who actually asked. You owed it to him. He helped you move!
This is where it really becomes complicated having Nice Guys in your life, especially if more than one has decided that they are in love with you. However, just one is plenty burden enough. Nice Guy has been raised on a steady diet of him being the secret Prince Charming, who Beauty will magically fix with her wonderful love. Beauty is not a person, but rather a concept. She is beautiful, she is nurturing and warm, she is probably a fantastic cook, she is wild in bed, and everyone is eaten up by envy when they see her on his arm. She makes him into a complete man. She can fix everything that has ever gone wrong in his life, and will stand by him no matter what. Nice Guys usually pick out a physical type early on that embody their Beauty - a Hot Mama, a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, a Willowy Muse, an Angel of the House, whatever. All that matters is that she looks like the first embodiment of their fantasies, that they have clung to since their sexual awakening. It doesn't matter if the curvy, maternal-looking girl is actually a childfree polyamorous dominatrix, or the bouncy, tiny, short girl with cute bangs would rather go to her book club and the coffee shop than go on a life-changing adventure. Nice Guy expects her to act a certain way because she looks a certain way, as well as expecting her to fall in love with him, because he is in love with what he thinks she is.
All of this is pretty confusing on the surface, but it's fairly straightforward when you look directly at it.
If you are "nice" to try to rack up points in your favor, you are not nice, you are manipulative.
If you are "nice" to people solely because of how they look, you are not nice, you are shallow.
If you are "nice" to people because you assume that is the fastest way to get them to have sex with you, you are not nice, you are predatory.
The simple, straightforward truth is that Nice Guys do not possess the quality of niceness. They believe they deserve another human being, who they do not respect as being autonomous, with individual hopes and feelings, for simple virtue of the fact that they are alive. They believe that being friends with a desirable person is a fate worse than death, because the fact that there are people who they do not want to have sex with does not enter the equation for other people. Everyone they want should want them, and if they don't, then "Women Only Date Assholes" or "Misandry". Not that I don't believe in misandry, and I'll address it in another post, but whether you are attracted to Keira Knightley or Rebel Wilson, you do not "deserve" either of them. They are both individual human beings with wills and minds of their own. You only deserve basic decency and courtesy from other people, not love, and definitely not sex. The sooner Nice Guys can get that through their heads, the happier everyone will be.
Next Up: Sweet Girls.
(Assuming that the writer is still following her own blog.. )Interesting thoughts, though I would note a few things:
ReplyDeleteAny issues regarding sexual morality aside, I don't think that wanting someone for friendship "with benefits" is more devious, selfish, or manipulative, in and of itself, than wanting a person as a friend. A corollary to that is feeling sexual attraction to a woman on a guy's part isn't necessarily a character flaw. Now, that doesn't mean that the object of his desire is in any sense beholden to "put out" for him, but I wouldn't fault anyone for feeling a sense of frustration for not being able have sex with someone whom they consider attractive physically, personality-wise, or whatever else..
Now, where some of the problem comes in, I think, is when people are rejected continually in their search for some sort of romantic or sexual relationship. One would think that with a roughly equal ratio of men to women might mean that such seeking would be relatively easy. As it is, many guys note than it appears that a fairly large number of women are willing to have casual sex, but that they do so with a comparatively smaller number of men. Even in more serious or committed relationships, it might seem that women can be more picky about their choice of partner. The brighter among them attempt to explain why these things occur, hence "woman prefer jerks" line of reasoning.
Again, I would stress that no one is"entitled" to any specific partner, but romantic and sexual urges do constitute a basic human drive. Ironically, the sexual revolution probably made this harder to fulfill; in prior times, one would generally be able to find a spouse that one might reasonably hope to love and engage in more carnal forms of intimacy without too much difficulty. In recent decades, it seems much harder to find love or sex for the typical person.
It does create a feeling of frustration, and there is nothing inherently wrong with being sexually attracted to a friend. The problem comes when that sexual attraction becomes an issue - if a man befriends a woman because she is beautiful, he is being somewhat sexist and shallow in his actions. That's not enough to damn him, and I wouldn't. They may end up having a lot in common. He may have befriended her hoping to date her. The disconnect comes in when rejection is met with anger, rather than disappointment or resignation.
ReplyDeleteNow, it is inherently manipulative when you pretend to be someone you're not in an attempt to impress another person, especially when sex is the goal. The average woman merely wishes to be treated as a human being, not a goddess, not a sex object, just a person.
That's a thoughtful reply.
ReplyDeleteI would agree that it is possibly sexist, but and this may sound odd, I don't know that liking someone based on looks is necessarily less shallow than liking them for other factors. So long as the "liking" is genuine, mind you, and the reasons for liking each other don't have to reciprocal. Now, I'm not the type of person who would befriend others based solely on physical attraction (by the standards of what *I* deem "hot"), but I would admit I might be more inclined, all else being equal, to be friends with an attractive woman whose personality was at least agreeable/tolerable and was easygoing, even if there wasn't an especially deep personal harmony or connection. Of course, I'm in full agreement that the guy has no right to complain or be a petulant jerk if he enters into a friendship hoping for sex and it doesn't happen.
One could call me shallow for this, perhaps, but I admit that I would have a hard time turning down sex from a woman whom I found more or less good looking (again, in my view), but I would never expect a friend to feel such an offer is necessary for the sake of the friendship. Indeed, my situation has been sort of the opposite or guy's version of the same. 3 or 4 times in my life, female friends have have come flat out with "I'm a girl, you're a guy, wanna have some fun for just tonight?" essentially out of nowhere. I had to wonder if they were looking for some sort of validation. They were happy that we were friends, and perhaps it was partially motivated by a desire to get laid for the sake of getting laid but some part of their psyches wanted confirmation that I found them attractive, and apparently they placed some value on that, even though I did anything to suggest that they ought to look for that from a friend just because he's a male.