Now, before I head off on this little jaunt, let's make one important distinction. Nice Guys are not men possessing the quality of niceness. They are males, but not men, as they are stuck in a perma-adolescence where "I want" is conflated with "I should have". Some are straight and some are gay - this is not a phenomena that can be attributed to nebulous Male Privilege, but solely to immature reasoning, entitlement, and self-obsession that borders on the myopic. Men who possess the quality of niceness are not particularly rare, though to hear a Nice Guy spouting off, niceness in a male is almost as rare as teeth are in hens.
The second important distinction is what does one mean by the quality of Nice? What is Nice? According to the dictionary, nice is: pleasing; agreeable; delightful or amiably pleasant; kind:. Therefore, a man who possesses the quality of niceness is of a relaxed disposition, pleasant and helpful, not rude, not sarcastic or unkind, charitable, and in general, a real joy to be around. He does for the sake of joy in others and in himself, without thought of tangible reward. A man who is nice is the man you call on Moving Day and the man you call when you are having a party. He likely has a wide circle of friends, and appreciates that fact. The lack of tangible reward is what trips up Nice Guys. The Nice Guy keeps a tally sheet, and seems to think everyone else does too. His "favors" are not acts of charity between friends, but more like the kind of "favors" you expect in Mafia movies. He is keeping count, and he is racking up your debt. This is a great source of irritation and frustration to him, because usually the other person doesn't even realize they have a debt. You bought pizza and beer on Moving Day, right? And when he moves, you're planning on helping him, right? Score settled on your end. On his end, he is furious that you have accepted an offer of a dinner date from a man who actually asked. You owed it to him. He helped you move!
This is where it really becomes complicated having Nice Guys in your life, especially if more than one has decided that they are in love with you. However, just one is plenty burden enough. Nice Guy has been raised on a steady diet of him being the secret Prince Charming, who Beauty will magically fix with her wonderful love. Beauty is not a person, but rather a concept. She is beautiful, she is nurturing and warm, she is probably a fantastic cook, she is wild in bed, and everyone is eaten up by envy when they see her on his arm. She makes him into a complete man. She can fix everything that has ever gone wrong in his life, and will stand by him no matter what. Nice Guys usually pick out a physical type early on that embody their Beauty - a Hot Mama, a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, a Willowy Muse, an Angel of the House, whatever. All that matters is that she looks like the first embodiment of their fantasies, that they have clung to since their sexual awakening. It doesn't matter if the curvy, maternal-looking girl is actually a childfree polyamorous dominatrix, or the bouncy, tiny, short girl with cute bangs would rather go to her book club and the coffee shop than go on a life-changing adventure. Nice Guy expects her to act a certain way because she looks a certain way, as well as expecting her to fall in love with him, because he is in love with what he thinks she is.
All of this is pretty confusing on the surface, but it's fairly straightforward when you look directly at it.
If you are "nice" to try to rack up points in your favor, you are not nice, you are manipulative.
If you are "nice" to people solely because of how they look, you are not nice, you are shallow.
If you are "nice" to people because you assume that is the fastest way to get them to have sex with you, you are not nice, you are predatory.
The simple, straightforward truth is that Nice Guys do not possess the quality of niceness. They believe they deserve another human being, who they do not respect as being autonomous, with individual hopes and feelings, for simple virtue of the fact that they are alive. They believe that being friends with a desirable person is a fate worse than death, because the fact that there are people who they do not want to have sex with does not enter the equation for other people. Everyone they want should want them, and if they don't, then "Women Only Date Assholes" or "Misandry". Not that I don't believe in misandry, and I'll address it in another post, but whether you are attracted to Keira Knightley or Rebel Wilson, you do not "deserve" either of them. They are both individual human beings with wills and minds of their own. You only deserve basic decency and courtesy from other people, not love, and definitely not sex. The sooner Nice Guys can get that through their heads, the happier everyone will be.
Next Up: Sweet Girls.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Part 1 of 3: Nice Guys and Sweet Girls
So that no one thinks I'm unfairly beating up on one gender, because it's not a one-gender problem, I'm going to start out with the wrapping up. It's backwards, but sometimes I like to be a little unpredictable.
For purposes of discussion, Nice Guys are men who claim to be "nice", then whine and cry and guilt trip and act like petulant toddlers when the woman of their choice rejects them, or does not go out with them for the simple reason that they never asked. "Friendzone", "Nice Guys Finish Last", and "Girls only date assholes" are key phrases that help identify the Wild Wailing Nice Guy.
Sweet Girls are girls that will tell everyone ad nauseam about what catches they are, but they just can't hold a man, because in relationships, they are alternately smothering or sullen, depending on the man's ability to read her mind that day. She is an odd mix of Mama and Baby, and both expects you to follow every last thing she says to the letter and to take care of her outrageous neediness.
Now, some other bloggers say that the Nice Guy exists because of patriarchy, and he is inherently sexist. I am arguing against that point. The Nice Guy is usually sexist, that's true, but if he existed solely because of patriarchy, there would not be gay Nice Guys. There would not be Sweet Girls, straight and gay. It would be solely the province of straight men to complain about why they are not getting the lascivious sex they want with piles of beautiful women if this was solely the province of sexism, but instead there just exists this subset of every gender and sexuality who whines incessantly about why beautiful people are not having sex with them, and assuming it's because they are simply too good for this sinful earth.
I put this squarely on the shoulders of entitlement. "I want this thing, therefore I deserve to have it". It's like a deranged Santa Claus Syndrome, where wanting + "good" is powerful enough to overcome all pretensions to human agency. If you're good enough, it doesn't matter that Tickle Me Elmo is rarer than moon rocks set in platinum. I want one and Mama says I'm good. Good kids get what they want! Always!
The subset of Nice Guy and Sweet Girl never outgrow this. I assume they are the ones that pitched an absolute fit when Tickle Me Elmo wasn't under the tree, and had their parents placate them. I'm an English major and a daycare teacher, not a psychologist, but I assume the massive outbreak of both came around the time that a number of parents stopped explaining to children that wanting something doesn't always mean you get it. They apparently also did not explain that this applies way, way more to humans than it does to toys.
Basic human nature is to seek out companionship, and basic human nature casts oneself as the hero of ones own story. No one wants to believe that they need a lot of improving. They are Good. They are Nice. They are Sweet. They are Deserving of Love. I will not say that they are not, because maybe they are. The problem is, they have missed the step of accepting that other people are also people. Beautiful Person X is still a Person. S/he is Deserving of Love on their own terms. They can say "No, I do not love you. I love her/him/no one right now". They can say "Sorry, I do not feel any attraction to you". They do not owe you anything beyond basic human decency. If you are nice to them, they owe you niceness, but not affection, and definitely not sex. Human beings are not vending machines that you put niceness in and get sex out.
Next Week: Nice Guys in Particular.
For purposes of discussion, Nice Guys are men who claim to be "nice", then whine and cry and guilt trip and act like petulant toddlers when the woman of their choice rejects them, or does not go out with them for the simple reason that they never asked. "Friendzone", "Nice Guys Finish Last", and "Girls only date assholes" are key phrases that help identify the Wild Wailing Nice Guy.
Sweet Girls are girls that will tell everyone ad nauseam about what catches they are, but they just can't hold a man, because in relationships, they are alternately smothering or sullen, depending on the man's ability to read her mind that day. She is an odd mix of Mama and Baby, and both expects you to follow every last thing she says to the letter and to take care of her outrageous neediness.
Now, some other bloggers say that the Nice Guy exists because of patriarchy, and he is inherently sexist. I am arguing against that point. The Nice Guy is usually sexist, that's true, but if he existed solely because of patriarchy, there would not be gay Nice Guys. There would not be Sweet Girls, straight and gay. It would be solely the province of straight men to complain about why they are not getting the lascivious sex they want with piles of beautiful women if this was solely the province of sexism, but instead there just exists this subset of every gender and sexuality who whines incessantly about why beautiful people are not having sex with them, and assuming it's because they are simply too good for this sinful earth.
I put this squarely on the shoulders of entitlement. "I want this thing, therefore I deserve to have it". It's like a deranged Santa Claus Syndrome, where wanting + "good" is powerful enough to overcome all pretensions to human agency. If you're good enough, it doesn't matter that Tickle Me Elmo is rarer than moon rocks set in platinum. I want one and Mama says I'm good. Good kids get what they want! Always!
The subset of Nice Guy and Sweet Girl never outgrow this. I assume they are the ones that pitched an absolute fit when Tickle Me Elmo wasn't under the tree, and had their parents placate them. I'm an English major and a daycare teacher, not a psychologist, but I assume the massive outbreak of both came around the time that a number of parents stopped explaining to children that wanting something doesn't always mean you get it. They apparently also did not explain that this applies way, way more to humans than it does to toys.
Basic human nature is to seek out companionship, and basic human nature casts oneself as the hero of ones own story. No one wants to believe that they need a lot of improving. They are Good. They are Nice. They are Sweet. They are Deserving of Love. I will not say that they are not, because maybe they are. The problem is, they have missed the step of accepting that other people are also people. Beautiful Person X is still a Person. S/he is Deserving of Love on their own terms. They can say "No, I do not love you. I love her/him/no one right now". They can say "Sorry, I do not feel any attraction to you". They do not owe you anything beyond basic human decency. If you are nice to them, they owe you niceness, but not affection, and definitely not sex. Human beings are not vending machines that you put niceness in and get sex out.
Next Week: Nice Guys in Particular.
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